Portholes
by arosynose
Summary: Windows into the life and times of the crew of the Enterprise. Inspired by songs from an iPod shuffle.
1. Kirk

**To Dance Again**

Kirk had never really wanted anything in his life.

Not in terms of life goals or great achievements, anyway. Sure, he'd wanted to get that bastard Frank out of his and his mom's life, and he'd wanted his dad to come back from the dead, and he'd wanted to spend more time with his mom.

As he became more and more aware of the way his father's legacy hung over his head, he'd wanted to step out of his father's shadow. But after a while it had seemed all but impossible, and he'd resigned himself to always being Jim Kirk, son of George Kirk, the great Starfleet hero. Nothing he did, not even becoming a juvenile delinquent with quite the track record, could disconnect him from George the Hero.

And then, in memories that blended together into something as breathtaking as a meteor shower, Jim Kirk, delinquent and drunken bar-fighter, had become Captain Jim Kirk, captain of his own ship and Starfleet hero in his own right.

He sits in his chair and stares out into space, gazing into the abyss and feeling it stare right back at him, challenging him. And it was a challenge he gladly accepted.

He had Bones, and Spock, and Scotty and Sulu and Chekov and even Uhura. He had them, and he had his ship, and its entire crew waiting at his command.

And he wanted to keep it that way for the rest of his life.

* * *

**The Winner Takes it All**

Kirk is afraid all the time.

He's afraid of being alone, of being abandoned and left by the wayside. He's afraid of being haunted by his father's memory all his life. He used to be afraid of Frank, and sometimes he still is.

But nothing, _nothing_ compares to this feeling. Of going it alone with a man who had without a doubt hated him until this point, and in all probability still does. Of staring into the abyss and having it roar back at him, saying _I'm waiting for you_.

He's only a tiny bit reassured when they find the red matter and the ship that can, and hopefully _will_, end this mess.

He enters the ship with Spock and takes a deep breath, pushing back panic and settling into the drive of a man fighting for his life.

Spock stops him. Says the plan is, in all likelihood, going to fail.

Kirk doesn't even need to think up an appropriate response. It leaps from his throat. "It'll work." It will. It has to.

He calls out for the transport until the last possible second, until he can feel the edges of insanity creeping up around him.

They win.

He doesn't stop shaking until they dock back at Starfleet.

* * *

**Girlfriend**

Kirk has never had trouble with the ladies.

Now that he'd joined Starfleet and acquired a reputation, he barely even had to try anymore. Women seemed to simply throw themselves at his feet. It was usually pretty damn convenient, but sometimes it could get annoying. Because, believe it or not, pretty thing, he actually does have to study right now, and while he would _love_ a private tour, it's just not a good time and could he please have a rain check? because that tour does sound extremely promising and he would love to get back to you on that.

Bones is less than sympathetic. He just rolls his eyes and says that if Jim really minded, he'd do something about it instead of having sex with every Goddamn one of them and making his reputation even worse.

Jim just grins and tells Bones he's jealous.

**

* * *

**

Shark in the Water

Kirk has never been afraid of confrontation.

He greets each fight with the tenacity he brings to every challenge. This is true of his bar fights, his fights with Frank, and even his fight with Spock.

He will lie, and cheat, even steal if need be. He is never afraid of the consequences.

He is only afraid of being alone.

Which is why, when he enters Starfleet, he makes a vow to be friendly, at least to the people who are worth it.

Bones is the first relationship he has in Starfleet. Bones is rough and callous and doesn't give a shit about what other people think of him. In fact, he welcomes their distaste. It means they will leave him alone. Jim is drawn to these traits, and tries out his new friendly approach.

Somehow, it works, and a casual hello-goodbye in the hallways evolves into hyposprays for STDs and hangovers, a drinking buddy, and, along the way, a best friend.

Jim isn't sure how it happened, but he does know that he's pretty damn glad that he's found the one bastard who will stick with him even when he's an ass. Who can put up with his bullshit and womanizing and self-destructive habits. Not to mention all the teasing and taunting that comes with being his friend.

Bones is his rock, his moral support, his dad and brother and mother and best friend wrapped into one with a big, sarcasm-dripping bow on top. A delicious hot fudge sundae with bitter dark chocolate shavings that most people would pass up for one with rainbow sprinkles.

Jim finds he likes the taste.

**

* * *

**

Voldemort is Going Down

When he beams onto Nero's ship, Jim Kirk has no regrets.

…Well, maybe a few. There was that girl he'd never called, that last letter he'd never sent to his mom, those punches he'd never given Frank…

But all in all, Kirk's ducks are in a row. He'd come into Starfleet as a nobody whose only connection was to his own father, a hero of a man whom he could never live up to.

And now? He isn't just living up to his father's legacy, he's making one of his own. And that's more than enough accomplishment for one lifetime, Jim thinks.

He's petrified, scared stiff. No doubt about it. But that doesn't stop him from imagining the look on his mother's face when she would hear the news. The look on Frank's face. The look his father would have if only he were here to wear it.

And he faces Nero with a single thought: _you're going down_.

**

* * *

**

Starstruckk

James T. Kirk is a ladies' man.

He picks up willing girls in bars for one night stands. He feels horrible afterwards, but that never stops him from repeating the process.

Even Starfleet can't change the bad habit. No matter how many times he's reprimanded, punished or finds himself hung over with a black eye, he can't seem to stop himself from wandering right back into the bars and picking up girl after girl.

Then, slowly, he starts drinking with Bones instead of by himself, and the girls are far and few in between.

The dry spell doesn't last long, however. Because then he finds himself having quickies in closets and, if he's being honest, quite a few other places that he probably shouldn't have been.

And then Nero happens, and Jim is thrown headfirst into a captain's chair and with the immense terror and fear of disappointing everyone comes a strange sense of contentment. When he sits in the chair, surrounded by his crewmates, he has absolutely no desire to go bar-hopping for easy women. In fact, he can't imagine doing so every again.

…Well, maybe once or twice, for old time's sake.


	2. McCoy

**Dr. Boom Bombay**

McCoy is going crazy.

He can't stand it any more. Running the sickbay as CMO during this insane fight against Nero is slowly driving him mad. It's too much stress and pressure and all the other doctors and nurses are too young, they're just fucking kids, and God _dammit_ he keeps losing people, he's lost so many men and women already, has seen them die while he stands there helplessly, and there's not a drink in sight. There's no alcohol allowed while on duty, and especially none in sickbay

He doesn't have time, anyway. Hell, he doesn't even have time to stop and swallow a couple stress-relieving pills.

Going up to the bridge when he finally gets a reprieve doesn't help matters—if anything, it makes them worse. Downstairs, it's just the patient-to-patient issues he has to deal with, and it's easy to ignore the big picture.

Up on the bridge, the big picture is the _only_ picture. Nero is a very real threat, suddenly, much bigger than what's happening in sickbay. A threat that they, a juvenile, green-horned crew are responsible for getting rid of.

And now Jim is captain. Jim. Jim, the womanizing bastard who could barely get himself out of the fucking bed in the morning he was so hungover. _Jim Kirk_. Captain of the _Enterprise_.

McCoy starts to feel sick.

**

* * *

**

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Bones hates to admit it, but he likes it when Jim comes around to bother him during work hours.

The days are long and hard in the medical wing, especially after the last mission; nearly a hundred officers had been injured in offshore battle, with conditions ranging from mild to critical. Bones is exhausted, first attending to the patients and then sorting out the paperwork that comes with them. And there's still death reports left to do from the Nero incident. There are always more death reports to do.

Normally, Jim would stop by around now to drag Bones out of his paperwork and the gloom of his office and take him out for a (semi) healthy dinner and maybe a few drinks.

But he doesn't have to come down to sickbay to see Bones now; Jim is already there, lying unconscious in a bed, hooked up to monitors and screens and medication to ease the pain from his head trauma and broken ribs and leg.

Bones goes out drinking anyway, but it's not to relieve stress.

**

* * *

**

Rusted Silhouette

McCoy was somewhat of a romantic.

Oh, he wasn't delusional enough to think that love was all roses and rainbows and unicorns running through flowery fields, but he did like the gentle kisses and gestures of affection that were part of romance and romancing.

He was married in a ceremony like something out of a fairytale, and for a while he thought his marriage would be the same.

It wasn't.

Seven long years of disappointment and despair that ended in a violent divorce. His wife had taken custody of his daughter and pretty much everything else in the settlement, and all the love from his heart had been drained a long time ago. He was left an empty, alcoholic mess of a man with nigh but the clothes on his back.

It was during one of his drunken stupors that the idea occurred to him. There was nothing left for him on Earth, so why stay? He would join Starfleet. Enlist, and be taken away. Far away, where the witch's claws couldn't ensnare him.

Eleven hours later and getting on the shuttle, he wonders what the hell he'd been thinking, enlisting while drunk. Hell, any manner of things could go wrong. He takes a swig of whiskey to calm himself. It doesn't help.

The young man next to him looks as naïve and simplistic as he'd been seven years ago. It's something he misses, and against his better judgment he accepts the hand the boy offers.

He gets the feeling that he's going to regret this for the rest of his life, but he's got too much of a headache to care.

**

* * *

**

My Eyes

McCoy can't stand Kirk.

He really can't. Really. The young man is immature, and obnoxious, and seems incapable of stopping himself from having reckless sex and drinking, despite the consequences of his actions the morning after. Worse, he seems to see Bones as the cure-all, capable of fixing him whenever he's hungover or has contracted a new kind of alien STD. McCoy does not appreciate this.

Nor does he appreciate the nickname that the kid's given him. What kind of a name is _Bones_? A damn silly one, that's what kind. And he can't stand it.

But no matter how gruff he is, how cold and bitingly sarcastic, the kid just keeps coming back for more. He doesn't know how or when to quit, and that annoys McCoy even further because it reminds him of himself.

McCoy really wishes Jim would leave him the fuck alone already.

**

* * *

**

Desperate Andy

McCoy is starting to hate his wife.

It's funny, because just a year ago he would've thought such a thing impossible. But now, slowly but surely, he could feel the subtle shift from deep love to deep hate beginning within himself.

It just seemed like she was always there, always hovering over his shoulder, exactly when he didn't want her to be. But then when he really needed her, when their baby was crying or he needed help with something, she had the funny habit of disappearing.

And sure, at first it'd been fine, he'd written it off as them settling into each other's routines. Surely they'd fall into a pattern eventually. But after a year the only pattern he can see is one of continual disappointment. The underlying differences and mismatches between them, one cloaked by the innocence of young love, are slowly revealing themselves.

He wonders how the hell he's going to cope with this for the rest of his life.


	3. Spock

**Get'cha Head in the Game**

Spock is unemotional.

No matter how many times he tells himself this, it doesn't stop panic from overriding his logic as his mother, his _mother_, slips through his fingers into the abyss. Dead. He would never see her again.

He's beginning to build his defensive walls back up when the stowaway Cadet who cheated on the Kobayashi Maru somehow beams back onto the ship, one again disrupting the ship's tenuous calm.

And then he yells and shouts and the ruthless, horrifying words spilling from his mouth tear the gaping hole in Spock's chest even wider, breaking down his barriers until there's nothing left.

Spock snaps. When he comes to, Kirk is being strangled on a control panel. Spock's hand is around his neck.

Spock is in a state of shock. Memories of his younger days come rushing back from where he had barricaded them, and he is astonished when tears begin to form in his eyes. He hastily withdraws his post as commanding officer and moves unseeingly back to his quarters to sew the pieces of himself back together.

Later, when the world is saved and they've safely docked back at Starfleet, Kirk—_Captain_ Kirk—pulls him aside and apologizes. Spock tells him it is no matter. The logic of Kirk's actions was sound. What Kirk did was for the benefit of the universe as a whole. Spock should be able to easily forgive him.

Spock should be able to.

* * *

**I'm Sexy, I'm Cute**

Spock wants nothing more than to see James Tiberius Kirk expelled.

He watches with a cool eye as the deviant Cadet is called to the stand. Spock is unsurprised when he is called to the stand. It is common for delinquents to attempt to irrationally defend themselves. Perhaps he thinks he can intimidate or "charm" his way out of his sentence.

Spock cannot abide people like this James Tiberius Kirk. He finds Mr. Kirk particularly unpleasant because of his father's legacy; instead of attempting to follow in his father's footsteps, or perhaps even better them with a legacy of his own, Mr. Kirk had shamed his father by becoming a delinquent. Going so far as to cheat on a test simply to win it is inexcusable, a violation of everything Spock stands for.

Spock is determined to see James Tiberius Kirk fail and flounder on the stand.

**

* * *

**

Walking Disaster

Spock doesn't have many pictures of his mother.

There isn't a moment he doesn't regret this. He has only a few simple holograms of her stored away in a drawer, and he tries to convince himself that this is enough. That it is illogical to wish for more material pictures when he has memorized her face, every detail of her image. He is dismayed to find that this does not work.

Jim tries to talk to him about it. He pulls Spock aside when their shift ends and speaks in hushed tones.

"Look, Spock, I may not be the biggest on emotions and shit, but I want you to know…I…get what you're going through." The halting, stumbling words betray his sincerity. "I mean, on a human level. I know Vulcans don't feel emotions, but you're half human. And I know you're feeling this. I'd think you were insane if you didn't."

Spock doesn't say anything, simply stares with a gaze as frigid as the coldest depths of space.

"I just want to say that I'm here. You know, if you…need anything, or want to talk, or whatever."

There is a moment in which Spock's mind actually _struggles_, strains to compute and rationalize the offer into something it understands.

The captain sighs and turns to go.

"Captain," Spock says, and Kirk turns on a dime. "I would not be averse to a game of chess tomorrow evening."

Kirk smiles, and there is not an inch of a threat or deceit in it.

**

* * *

**

I Want To Hold Your Hand

Spock has always noticed Uhura.

He noticed everyone, of course; it was only logical to take a detailed observation of his surroundings. Upon his primary assessment of her person, Spock had taken Uhura to be a serious Cadet, something he appreciated in the hormone-riddled atmosphere of Starfleet Academy. He was less than pleased by the flirtatious advances of the other females—and several males—in his class. Uhura proved to be the only single female who did not so much as spare him a glance when it was unnecessary. Her gaze was focused solely on her studies. Spock took notice of this, and his curiosity was peaked.

He was unsurprised when she rose to the top of the class, or when she received special honors for her achievements in Linguistics and was invited to the gala reserved only for top students.

Now, however, as she remains behind after class and asks him without so much as batting an eyelash to be her escort for the gala, he finds himself slightly taken aback.

He knows that she is pretty, possibly even beautiful by human standards; her face is perfectly symmetrical and her eyelashes are long. Despite her dedication to her studies, he is sure she must have interactions with a fair amount of males outside of the classroom environment. And it is only logical to assume that she could ask any of several male Cadets to accompany her.

The only external reaction he allows for is a raised eyebrow. "You do not wish to be accompanied by a fellow Cadet?"

She holds his gaze. He finds he likes her certainty. "Yes. Though I might ask one of them if you refuse."

He accompanies her to the gala.

**

* * *

**

Proud

Spock has always made an effort to ignore his human half.

He finds it easier to shove aside the human emotions and shroud himself in logic and reason rather than give in to the desire to express the unruly emotions.

Over time, he becomes quite good at concealing the emotions. Not even the most stressful situations can induce anxiety or tension within him. He feels nothing when his adolescent peers attempt to provoke him with derogatory statements about himself or his mother and father. He rebuts their statements will utter serenity. Indeed, even when facing a bullheaded cadet who has cheated on the Kobayashi Maru, he convinced himself that it is only logical to want the cadet expelled. He is setting a bad example for the other students, and negative influences that disrupt the efficiency and effectiveness of the Academy should be removed.

But when he is standing on the bridge of the _Enterprise_, when he has lost everything but the ship and its crew, when they are returning to Starfleet after a 5-year-long mission…

He tells himself that the unsettling feeling in his abdomen is simply a reaction to the erroneous food produced by the replicator that morning.


	4. Chekov

**Flying**

Chekov has never gotten bored of intergalactic travel.

While others become bored during long warps, Chekov never tires of watching the stars slowly drift past. Not only because they are beautiful, but also because he finds stellar phenomena fascinating. The implosion of stars into black holes, the ever-changing nebulas in which new stars are born. It's amazing, breathtaking.

Sulu doesn't quite share this perspective; while he does like to stargaze, he isn't captivated by the stars the way Chekov is. He is more prone to drifting into peaceful contemplation than in becoming enraptured by a supernova. Kirk, too, becomes tired of watching the universe slowly move past. Uhura is perhaps the least interested of all of the bridge crew; she can only watch for a few brief moments before growing bored. Spock, on the other hand, does not even find beauty in the stars.

Chekov tried, occasionally, to explain the feeling he has when he looks into the stars. He fails, only because he does not know the right words.

He imagines it's a little like what it feels like to fly.

/

/

/

**I'm Late**

Chekov stares at the display as Spock's mother slips away.

There's nothing he can do, and yet—he should've done something, _anything_, to prevent this. Should've factored geological faults into his calculations, should've compensated for the planet's erosion…_Anything_.

He watches with a shattering heart as the acting captain nearly kills Kirk for provoking him over the loss of his mother.

His fault. It's his fault.

If only he'd been faster.

/

/

/

**Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Earth**

Chekov prides himself on independence, on his ability to adapt and cope.

So it is doubly shocking when he falls prey to homesickness on the _Enterprise_'s first real mission.

He's consumed by the need to see his family, eat homemade pelmeni and pirozhki. He misses his mother's warm smile, his father's strong but gentle presence. He longs for the warm fires and bright colors of Moscow, for the spires and murals and snow falling softly in the middle of the night. There is no weather out here, in the void that is space.

Chekov closes his eyes and wishes for home.

/

/

/

**Love You Much Better**

Chekov doesn't like the way Gaila looks at Mr. Scott.

He doesn't like the way he looks at her, either, but that can't be helped; Gaila is a sexual magnet. No matter the orientation or species, any creature within a ten-foot radius is instantly attracted to her. Mr. Scott can hardly be blamed.

The problem is that, unlike with the others, Gaila seems to _respond_ to Mr. Scott. It's not just one-sided, the attraction. He's caught a matching glint in her eyes far more often than he'd like. And, really, he can't blame her either; Mr. Scott is funny and intelligent and _clever_, not just smart, and interesting and handsome and brave and passionate and—well. Chekov enjoys his company.

Soon, he finds Gaila sitting next to Mr. Scott in the mess hall, leaning a little too close for comfort while sharing notes on the warp core, or animatedly talking with the brilliant engineer in the hallway. Clearly, Mr. Scott prefers Gaila over any company Chekov could provide. So Chekov starts spending more and more lunches with the rest of the bridge crew, and tries not to stare over Hikaru's shoulder at Mr. Scott.

He can't be Mr. Scott's best friend any more, but he can sure as hell be the best thing Mr. Scott ever let slip away.

/

/

/

**Alright**

Chekov knows there's nothing better than a night out on the town.

It's freeing and suffocating at the same time. It feels good to let loose and get drunk out of his mind with Sulu at his side, each egging the other on. But there's always the looming feeling of having to board the ship again in a few nights. It's an inescapable inevitability.

The two helmsmen go out, get plastered, pass out, wake up, and do the whole thing all over again until they have to go back. And they always have to go back.

Chekov tries not to mind too much. He hasn't, really, until now. It started as a fun escape mechanism, a good time with friends, but now…now it feels tired. Boring. Predictable.

Finally, he proposes to Sulu that they do something other than get wasted in a random bar and spend the next day passed out before seeking out another bar. A theme park, maybe. A boardwalk. A zoo. A museum. _Something else_.

Sulu, while shocked, wholeheartedly agrees, and they spend the remainder of the shore leave actually _seeing_ the planet, not just the insides of its bars. It's refreshing and informative and wonderful.

Now, Chekov knows there's nothing better than sharing a local confectionary with Sulu and bouncing in the antigravity chamber of a traveling fair.


End file.
